Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I literally started this entry about a month ago & when I started it was clear what I wanted to write about, which was "perception" but just couldn't clarify my thoughts with what my hands were typing so I saved it as a draft & figured I'd come back.  Well, 3 weeks later, I am back & since then, in almost everything I keep coming back to the word perception!  It's crazy how one word can be so stuck in my thoughts but it seems to just be there & so much seems to fit with it.  I first started to think about perception when we went to Sky Top on Labor Day Monday.  We had such a great time, I was having one of those Monday's & totally didn't want to be around anyone, let alone 3 lil ones that only seem to know the word "momma" But a trip out of the house & to Flat Rock was just what we needed.  It was wonderful! We took lots of pictures, ate lots of apples & even managed to fit in a trip to the Apple Festival & Cracker Barrel.  Then when we got home & I started looking at the pictures, I started to not like any of them b/c I saw the belly roll, the extra face fat..all of the usual stuff that I am critical about & on the flipside, I've been going to the gym & have lost about 12 lbs, which isn't a whole lot but it's made a difference in my life.  And while I also can still see those extra lbs that I still am working on, I also see what a difference those lbs all ready lost have made.  And I want it to be obvious to everyone & when I see pictures I don't want to see the reminders in pictures, even if they are there.  But oh well, unless I am photoshopping everything or am willing to turn into a neurotic exerciser or stop eating, it ain't gonna happen all at once.  So we I will just go on & keep on doing what I am doing & I will get there.  Plus I always eventually like the pics, I am just so critical at 1st.  I always wonder why we do that.  We as women & moms, we always do that.  We are so critical of ourselves.  Never good enough, never do enough, too big, too name it..we think it.  And as women we just go on & it's not something that we'll ever say, even if we all know we think it.  I wonder why that is.  I mean I know I am totally critical of myself & sometimes of others, I don't change it.  It's easier to be less critical of someone else then it is to cut myself some slack.  Interesting thought isn't it!

The word perception also kept creeping in, in almost all of my daily life.  Like going to the store or driving down the street and wondering what's going on in other peoples lives.  You just never know what's happening in someone else's life or day but we all look at others & try to guess or even pass judgement, etc.  So while we don't know what is going on in their life, then why do we, me, look at them & perceive something that may or may not be true.  I am sure on some days I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.  I know there are times where I look like I've been through the ringer & very well could be sternly talking to my children, so what if someone is looking at me, like who let that lady have kids..b/c I have looked at others that way, but not in a way of way of oh wow she's a bad mom but more of can I save the kids, or man I just want to give them a hug.  Isn't that sad?  I might not be stating it the wrong way but anytime I see a lil one that I deem needs saving, I just want to hug them or just pick them up & get them a cookie.  But why, they could totally have a great life, but in the event they don't I'd love to scoop them up.  Perception!

And while listening to 106.9, I just love that station.  I am not not big on stations that talk a lot or read, I just don't get listening to someone read a book to me over the radio, I don't even like commercials, I just think they should play music.  Well, on 106.9, they have set times they preach and they are good.  I was listening to a sermon about how we can become consumed by our own intoxication.  So true, right?  It was just talking about once that happens then God cannot work through us, b/c we have turned away from him.  It's true, b/c if we're so consumed with our own stuff then how can we focus on what matters?  The answer is we can't.  I guess it kind of deviates from "perception" but in actuality it doesn't.  Because it brings me to think of how we can get so consumed in our own intoxication, and a lot of that stems from what we want others to perceive.  Or mainly how we want others to perceive us.  I mean do you really need to know everything, or as laid back as I may be, I can lose it with the best of them.  Probably not, but I don't think that's really about me not wanting you to perceive me in a certain way, it's just we all have our moments, and I have mine.  I do have those moments of "why did I do that" and it usually revolves around the 3 people 6 and under that live here.  And it's usually b/c I am repeating myself for the millionth time or I just don't want to be called "mom" one more time or I am saying "please listen"  And no, I am not complaining, I wouldn't trade it for anything or imagine anyone else here to witness all the lil moments.  And not just the big one, not that I want to miss those but it's the lil ones like going down the road & listening to the kids sing or make up stories or play eye spy. 

So perception! It's it really how we perceive others, how others perceive us, or how we perceive ourselves.  I guess it's a little bit of all of it.  And in a way, if we live life worrying about what is or is not perceived then that's just no way to live.  This past Sunday, during the Sermon, Pastor Steve was giving a Sermon on Eli & Samuel & focusing on Eli and how his time was coming to an end, and how that must have felt to know that he was being relieved of his duties.  And one statement really stood out that said "at some point we will all have to relinquish to the view of our former self and move on"  That is just so on the money!  We do, we all look back and see how we used to be, who we used to be, what do we want to become!  I do that all the time, I can look in the mirror and see my former self and this routes us back to my opening paragraph, looking in the mirror and seeing what we see and then seeing what we think others see.  I can see how life would be if things were different, if I wasn't living the life I lead now, but part of me can't imagine it b/c it's all that I have known for so long.  And when I have those flashes, it doesn't make me want that or want to go see if the grass is greener on  the other side.  I am happy in my life.  I love my kids, my husband, my house, my yard, name's all good.  I love knowing this is my life.  And this is where I am supposed to be right now.  For I know there's a plan and while I might not know it, I can follow what I feel is my path and listen for the whispers from the only one that does know.  I know as adults, we all too often can get consumed by our own intoxication which is why we sometimes choose to tell God "not now" or "come back later" but it doesn't really work that way, now does it?  We might get away with it but it doesn't lead us anywhere.  So in the middle of thinking about "perception" and life and everyday tasks, I am once again realizing I am just along for the ride.  I choose to stay on my path, to do the best that I can, accept my faults, know I can leave the house w/o makeup and my world won't fall apart (trust me, it took a long time for me to actually go out w/o makeup it is important), that I can fail and be picked right back up.  I know that I am not perfect nor will I ever be or am I expected to be.  I butt heads with my kids and while each day gets better there are days I give into the gauntlet being thrown.  I know what is perceived is not always reality.  And I also know, I am not alone!  I have the love of 3 wonderful kids, a great husband, friends, family and a Church that I know all support me.  So I know I will continue to think the way I do, and be who I am, that's just gonna have to do.  Come along with me and we can laugh, cry and love in this roller coaster ride of life!

1 comment:

  1. Love the honesty, Melinda! You're in the company of millions of other moms. 'Perception' has always been sort-of a buzz word for me too.

    I was beginning to think that my days as your manager, publicist and stylist were over. So I'm pleased to see you blogging again! :)