Sometimes I find I let my mind wonder & realize I am just going through the motions but really not spending any effort thinking about what I was actually doing. Those moments come all too often while I am driving, not that I take my focus off driving it's just an easy time to let my thoughts drift especially in the rare case that the kids are asleep or actually chatting with one another & not yelling, trying to hit/take/or tell on one another then I am able to process a thought, I find my mind starting to churn. Guess that happens to all of us. It's the moments for me when I do get "downtime" that my brain can decompress. Almost like you know you have to be on all the time & don't get that moment to think or to sit then when you do you realize that you're tired & actually do have a lot on your mind. When you're surrounded by kids and you spend your day pretty revolving around them, you don't get much of a chance to actually have a thought for yourself. You're constantly thinking of the next thing you need to do or get done. It's even that way when I am at them gym. Lots of ppl say that's their "me" time & while yes you are doing something for yourself, which is "me" time but my mind doesn't stop thinking about what I need to do in the hour that I will have left before I have to go get Harrison from preschool, and if I should race home & shower or go to the grocery store or maybe there's something else I need to do, and can I fit it in or should I wait until after I get Abbie but then that starts the homework, play outside get dinner made time. As with everyone it's a struggle. We all know this & we all go through it. And while there's comfort in that it doesn't change that it's everyday. I wonder why it is that way? Why is there always so much? How is it that there's so much. It's a never ending race to do, do, do. Not in a way that you have to "do" to excel but just to "do" because it's the way it is. The daily routine, the rat race, whatever it is, it's always the same. We just experience it differently. I wouldn't want it any other way & some days I may want to pull my hair out but really couldn't imagine how it could be or would be if it were different.
The next 2 months are going to be pretty busy for me, between Abbie's school and Church activities and with A & H starting sports through the Y. Next week is teacher appreciation week and there's not much that I physically have to do for that but we (room-moms) have to get news out to our classroom about it & come up with a game plan for what we're going to do for our teachers each day. At some point this month the kids start their activities at the Y, we'll see how that fits. Benjamin's birthday is also this month, I can't believe my baby is going to be 2. He's getting to be such a big guy. Then we have Spring Break, Easter Parties with UCM, Church, preschool. The kids love Easter so I am looking forward to that with them plus the Easter Bunny always brings the best chocolate :). Then there's the Bethel Bash, right after Easter, we (room-moms) have several things for the class to do & to participate in that night of the Bash. Plus add in a few meetings and daily life, you see why it's a busy time.
Well, I guess that's it for now. I probably could go on & on but then I would bore you and I'd have to stop listening to Criminal Minds. hehe!
Me
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
My Lil Visitor
So for the past few months my lovely good sleeping lil Benjamin has stopped being such a good sleeper & now wants to be with me. Every night around midnight, the lil steps of his feet come scurrying down the hall until he reaches my room & announces "momma's bed" It's not all that bad but it's an interruption to the night & then starts the "milk, mama" "where, paci go?" questions so the days of my few precious months of sleep are gone and don't get my wrong, during those few months it wasn't like I was getting 8 hours every night because as we all know, at least one child has got to need something at any given moment during the night. But I thought I was on the end of having to wake up so much during the night, and I know "this too shall pass" but I would really like to go back to the days of just laying him down & saying "night, night" For if you really look at it, let's go back to 2006, when I was pregnant with Lil Harrison thus starts the sleepless nights, from the relentless bladder attacks to the body creeks, in '07 he is born & for the next 16mths we spend with countless ear infections & him attached to me for food and just as I am starting to wean him, I find out I am pregnant with Benjamin & by far my achiest pregnancy, so proceeding with the lack of sleep for the next 9mths & then another 13months while he is dependant on me for food. And that brings us to him sleeping, and me sleeping for the 1st time in 4 yrs. And while it was short lived it will come back & I guess I could fight Benjamin coming into my room & play the whole lets go to your room game, but even at midnight I have lost the will to fight & I am tired; so he sleeps with me & bumps daddy to his bed. Which is kind of funny. I know this time next year I will look back & relish in the days that he wanted to snuggle with me but right now, I wouldn't mind a night or two in my own bed without any visitors.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Tired
Do you ever find yourself being tired of things? I mean not in the way of "wow, this was a hard day, I am tired" but more in a way of "i'm over it? kind of tired" Well, it probably happens to me more and more in the past few years. I am not sure what it is, but I just find myself not being as invested in things as I once was & that probably has to due with life changes & changes in my personality. I am not over being involved with things or people, I just find that there are things that I once loved that I now could take it or leave it. And with that other things have come along to fill those spots. Oh well, I guess that's just the ebb & flow of life. We all change in our likes, dislikes, etc. It wouldn't be normal if we didn't. I just feel that some times things would be simpler when there wasn't so much going on. In a way it seems like a withdrawing tactic but it's not, it's just change & embracing new challenges. And also has to do with what's a priority & what is not.
I love the new things, people, challenges that are brought to me daily; it makes life interesting & constantly changing. Just more doors opening & windows to peer through that God is allowing me to see. Sometimes I am not sure why or how or what to do with the information or situation that is put before me & sometimes it totally stresses me out but I manage & I get through. Part of that comes through the kids & what's going on in their life. You know, their events, parties, playdates. It's almost as if you lead two lives, your own then your children's, because until they are old enough to take themselves places you are right there in the trenches driving too & fro & helping with homework, coloring pictures, teaching, guiding, loving..you name it..and then there's the other side, which is the life you lead. Where you try to do things for yourself, try to learn, grow, engage & then to throw in a husband, which also needs nurturing, loving & your paths have to cross & you have to do it all together or it'll fall apart. A friend mentioned in our Sunday School class that it is almost like "our" life if on hold until we get past the growing years w/the kids. And in a way, that's true! We do put things on hold or the back burner..my favorite is "oh you can do that when the kids get bigger"..what is that all about? Like there's just some magical age, where you can just say ok I am not your mom, you don't need my support or you don't have practices, games, plays etc that I need to go too, for now it's time to focus on me. Yea, I don't see that one happening. As I mentioned it's a fine line. You have to be with the kids, live their life with them, focus on them but also not lose yourself. I do a lot of activities & sometimes people say I don't know how you do it all, but sometimes I look at my life & there really is not a lot that I do. I guess because I don't look at it as a list of "to do's" it's more of this is what I like to do & this is my life so I will make it work & it will work because it's what I want to do. Which is why when you think of your life being on "hold" for a few years there is truth to that but it's also holds a lot of falseness..if that's even a word. It's all about managing what's going on in everyone's life. Could things be easier, sure they could! Could I do a better job in some areas, why yes, I could. Do I sometimes not put up the laundry or do the dishes because I am running from here to there..you bet ya. But it all gets done at some point.
And that brings me to the other stressor of life, trying to do it all & then giving yourself a hard time because it doesn't happen all at once. There's the satisfy my needs, the needs of my family, house, others that all need to take place. And when something is not done, you stress about it. And I say you in a broad sense b/c I stress about it & I honestly believe it's in a females nature to worry & to try & do it all. But it doesn't so mostly we spend a great deal of time, stressing about why we didn't get it done or how to get it done or why we can't get it done. I think that's the big one, the why I can't get it done. Why can't I do it all. Why can't I take on the world & build Rome in one day! I mean that's realistic, right? When we know it can't happen then why do we still stress about it? Why do we compare ourselves to other moms, women, when we have no idea what is going on in their life. I mean a spotless house doesn't mean a good life. Also the mom's that have it all together or so we think could be empty inside. I have to remind myself of that. No one is perfect, including me. I will do what I want, help out where I can, be there for all that need me & I will make it happen. I will take it one day at a time & just keep on trucking!
Well enough heavy stuff. On to the daily grind. Today is Harrison's Birthday! We're all taking him out to dinner tonight & yesterday was my mom's birthday so my folks are going too. Harrison's mom was here & was supposed to go but she left today to go to see her sister. And after today we get to take a break from birthday's. Thank goodness, I feel like the past two weeks have been birthday central. Now to focus on Thanksgiving & Christmas. I just cannot believe how close both of those holidays are. I mean holy smokes! There's not much to do to get ready for Thanksgiving but Christmas is always crazy. Breathe in & Breathe out & back to my statement of "one day at a time"
I have to finish the small city of laundry that is folded on my bed! Ugh, seriously who likes to put up clothes & if you say you do, you're lying. Laundry & Dishes are bane of my existence!
Oh & Go Vote today!
I love the new things, people, challenges that are brought to me daily; it makes life interesting & constantly changing. Just more doors opening & windows to peer through that God is allowing me to see. Sometimes I am not sure why or how or what to do with the information or situation that is put before me & sometimes it totally stresses me out but I manage & I get through. Part of that comes through the kids & what's going on in their life. You know, their events, parties, playdates. It's almost as if you lead two lives, your own then your children's, because until they are old enough to take themselves places you are right there in the trenches driving too & fro & helping with homework, coloring pictures, teaching, guiding, loving..you name it..and then there's the other side, which is the life you lead. Where you try to do things for yourself, try to learn, grow, engage & then to throw in a husband, which also needs nurturing, loving & your paths have to cross & you have to do it all together or it'll fall apart. A friend mentioned in our Sunday School class that it is almost like "our" life if on hold until we get past the growing years w/the kids. And in a way, that's true! We do put things on hold or the back burner..my favorite is "oh you can do that when the kids get bigger"..what is that all about? Like there's just some magical age, where you can just say ok I am not your mom, you don't need my support or you don't have practices, games, plays etc that I need to go too, for now it's time to focus on me. Yea, I don't see that one happening. As I mentioned it's a fine line. You have to be with the kids, live their life with them, focus on them but also not lose yourself. I do a lot of activities & sometimes people say I don't know how you do it all, but sometimes I look at my life & there really is not a lot that I do. I guess because I don't look at it as a list of "to do's" it's more of this is what I like to do & this is my life so I will make it work & it will work because it's what I want to do. Which is why when you think of your life being on "hold" for a few years there is truth to that but it's also holds a lot of falseness..if that's even a word. It's all about managing what's going on in everyone's life. Could things be easier, sure they could! Could I do a better job in some areas, why yes, I could. Do I sometimes not put up the laundry or do the dishes because I am running from here to there..you bet ya. But it all gets done at some point.
And that brings me to the other stressor of life, trying to do it all & then giving yourself a hard time because it doesn't happen all at once. There's the satisfy my needs, the needs of my family, house, others that all need to take place. And when something is not done, you stress about it. And I say you in a broad sense b/c I stress about it & I honestly believe it's in a females nature to worry & to try & do it all. But it doesn't so mostly we spend a great deal of time, stressing about why we didn't get it done or how to get it done or why we can't get it done. I think that's the big one, the why I can't get it done. Why can't I do it all. Why can't I take on the world & build Rome in one day! I mean that's realistic, right? When we know it can't happen then why do we still stress about it? Why do we compare ourselves to other moms, women, when we have no idea what is going on in their life. I mean a spotless house doesn't mean a good life. Also the mom's that have it all together or so we think could be empty inside. I have to remind myself of that. No one is perfect, including me. I will do what I want, help out where I can, be there for all that need me & I will make it happen. I will take it one day at a time & just keep on trucking!
Well enough heavy stuff. On to the daily grind. Today is Harrison's Birthday! We're all taking him out to dinner tonight & yesterday was my mom's birthday so my folks are going too. Harrison's mom was here & was supposed to go but she left today to go to see her sister. And after today we get to take a break from birthday's. Thank goodness, I feel like the past two weeks have been birthday central. Now to focus on Thanksgiving & Christmas. I just cannot believe how close both of those holidays are. I mean holy smokes! There's not much to do to get ready for Thanksgiving but Christmas is always crazy. Breathe in & Breathe out & back to my statement of "one day at a time"
I have to finish the small city of laundry that is folded on my bed! Ugh, seriously who likes to put up clothes & if you say you do, you're lying. Laundry & Dishes are bane of my existence!
Oh & Go Vote today!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Different Day, Same Stuff!
So while nothing really earth shattering has happened since my last blog, a few things have gone on. Harrison & I celebrated our 10th Anniversary, we went to dinner at Larkin's. I had never been, it's a pretty good restaurant. We got to sit outside & people watch & we all know how fun that can be, especially since it was Fall For Greenville. I also went on Abbie's 1st Kindergarten Fieldtrip, we got to ride the school bus, which she thought was super cool! And I also went on Harrison school fieldtrip. Both were to the pumpkin patch but to different ones. The day of Harrison's fieldtrip, he started feeling bad & that began the weekend of fever for him. I was really worried about him but that week, everyone on our street had some sort of fever or throw-up bug, it was so strange but I guess when we all play together the kids are bound to pass stuff around. Thankfully he was over it by Monday but I let him stay home from school for a few days, plus it was Fall Break, so we got to have a whole week together. It was nice to no shuffle between schools, to let Benjamin take a nap early & to not have to wake him up to go to carline. So nice!! It's amazing how less stressful it is to not run from here to there. We had a great Fall Break, Harrison took the days off from work & it was awesome to spend family time together!
That brings us up to date. Tonight is Church & the kids are looking forward to hanging out with their friends. We are getting ready for a busy weekend! Actually the next 2 weekends are super crazy! This Saturday is the UCM Annual Halloween Party with one of Abbie's friends b-day party that afternoon & then on Sunday, we have Church, then another friend of Abbie's b-day party & then off to the Chili Cook-Off/Fall Festival at our Church. Next week is Abbie's birthday!! Holy Cow, she's turning 6!!! It's not old but seriously where have 6 years gone? We're celebrating her birthday the next Saturday, the 30th, then a friend's birthday that night & the next day is Church, Session, and Trick-or-Treating!!! Followed by the 1st 2 days of November being my mom's birthday & Harrison's birthday! Oh & Lil Man's school's Fall Festival & Silent Auction is the 29th. So to say the next 2 weeks are super busy is an understatement!
Right now, I am sitting on my bed with a huge pile of laundry that isn't folding itself! But both boys are asleep, a rare thing so it's hard to want to fold clothes when it's so peaceful!! In a few I am off to carline and will have to wake them, boo! I wonder if the baby monitor's range will go all the way to the school? Just kidding, I would never do that! But it is times like this that I'd love her to be dropped off at my front door!
At least tmw morning I get a little break with a trip to Wisteria for a much needed hair cut. I am also having low lights put in, something I have only had done once or twice, so I hope it turns out. I am not afraid of hair color :) but something about low/high lights, i don't always like, especially when they are these huge streaks. I don't care if it's not my natural, I don't want stripes! The girl I go to, is really good, so I am sure she'll do a great job! Thankful, my mom is watching B so I can go! Plus as part of an October special they are doing some deep conditioning treatment..woo-hoo!! Maybe that means an extra scalp massage...my fav part! Keep the tea & water..bring on the scalp massage!
Ok, well, I better run & get motivate to wake to sleeping boys!
More later!
That brings us up to date. Tonight is Church & the kids are looking forward to hanging out with their friends. We are getting ready for a busy weekend! Actually the next 2 weekends are super crazy! This Saturday is the UCM Annual Halloween Party with one of Abbie's friends b-day party that afternoon & then on Sunday, we have Church, then another friend of Abbie's b-day party & then off to the Chili Cook-Off/Fall Festival at our Church. Next week is Abbie's birthday!! Holy Cow, she's turning 6!!! It's not old but seriously where have 6 years gone? We're celebrating her birthday the next Saturday, the 30th, then a friend's birthday that night & the next day is Church, Session, and Trick-or-Treating!!! Followed by the 1st 2 days of November being my mom's birthday & Harrison's birthday! Oh & Lil Man's school's Fall Festival & Silent Auction is the 29th. So to say the next 2 weeks are super busy is an understatement!
Right now, I am sitting on my bed with a huge pile of laundry that isn't folding itself! But both boys are asleep, a rare thing so it's hard to want to fold clothes when it's so peaceful!! In a few I am off to carline and will have to wake them, boo! I wonder if the baby monitor's range will go all the way to the school? Just kidding, I would never do that! But it is times like this that I'd love her to be dropped off at my front door!
At least tmw morning I get a little break with a trip to Wisteria for a much needed hair cut. I am also having low lights put in, something I have only had done once or twice, so I hope it turns out. I am not afraid of hair color :) but something about low/high lights, i don't always like, especially when they are these huge streaks. I don't care if it's not my natural, I don't want stripes! The girl I go to, is really good, so I am sure she'll do a great job! Thankful, my mom is watching B so I can go! Plus as part of an October special they are doing some deep conditioning treatment..woo-hoo!! Maybe that means an extra scalp massage...my fav part! Keep the tea & water..bring on the scalp massage!
Ok, well, I better run & get motivate to wake to sleeping boys!
More later!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Perception
I literally started this entry about a month ago & when I started it was clear what I wanted to write about, which was "perception" but just couldn't clarify my thoughts with what my hands were typing so I saved it as a draft & figured I'd come back. Well, 3 weeks later, I am back & since then, in almost everything I keep coming back to the word perception! It's crazy how one word can be so stuck in my thoughts but it seems to just be there & so much seems to fit with it. I first started to think about perception when we went to Sky Top on Labor Day Monday. We had such a great time, I was having one of those Monday's & totally didn't want to be around anyone, let alone 3 lil ones that only seem to know the word "momma" But a trip out of the house & to Flat Rock was just what we needed. It was wonderful! We took lots of pictures, ate lots of apples & even managed to fit in a trip to the Apple Festival & Cracker Barrel. Then when we got home & I started looking at the pictures, I started to not like any of them b/c I saw the belly roll, the extra face fat..all of the usual stuff that I am critical about & on the flipside, I've been going to the gym & have lost about 12 lbs, which isn't a whole lot but it's made a difference in my life. And while I also can still see those extra lbs that I still am working on, I also see what a difference those lbs all ready lost have made. And I want it to be obvious to everyone & when I see pictures I don't want to see the reminders in pictures, even if they are there. But oh well, unless I am photoshopping everything or am willing to turn into a neurotic exerciser or stop eating, it ain't gonna happen all at once. So we I will just go on & keep on doing what I am doing & I will get there. Plus I always eventually like the pics, I am just so critical at 1st. I always wonder why we do that. We as women & moms, we always do that. We are so critical of ourselves. Never good enough, never do enough, too big, too little..you name it..we think it. And as women we just go on & it's not something that we'll ever say, even if we all know we think it. I wonder why that is. I mean I know I am totally critical of myself & sometimes of others, I don't change it. It's easier to be less critical of someone else then it is to cut myself some slack. Interesting thought isn't it!
The word perception also kept creeping in, in almost all of my daily life. Like going to the store or driving down the street and wondering what's going on in other peoples lives. You just never know what's happening in someone else's life or day but we all look at others & try to guess or even pass judgement, etc. So while we don't know what is going on in their life, then why do we, me, look at them & perceive something that may or may not be true. I am sure on some days I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. I know there are times where I look like I've been through the ringer & very well could be sternly talking to my children, so what if someone is looking at me, like who let that lady have kids..b/c I have looked at others that way, but not in a way of way of oh wow she's a bad mom but more of can I save the kids, or man I just want to give them a hug. Isn't that sad? I might not be stating it the wrong way but anytime I see a lil one that I deem needs saving, I just want to hug them or just pick them up & get them a cookie. But why, they could totally have a great life, but in the event they don't I'd love to scoop them up. Perception!
And while listening to 106.9, I just love that station. I am not not big on stations that talk a lot or read, I just don't get listening to someone read a book to me over the radio, I don't even like commercials, I just think they should play music. Well, on 106.9, they have set times they preach and they are good. I was listening to a sermon about how we can become consumed by our own intoxication. So true, right? It was just talking about once that happens then God cannot work through us, b/c we have turned away from him. It's true, b/c if we're so consumed with our own stuff then how can we focus on what matters? The answer is we can't. I guess it kind of deviates from "perception" but in actuality it doesn't. Because it brings me to think of how we can get so consumed in our own intoxication, and a lot of that stems from what we want others to perceive. Or mainly how we want others to perceive us. I mean do you really need to know everything, or as laid back as I may be, I can lose it with the best of them. Probably not, but I don't think that's really about me not wanting you to perceive me in a certain way, it's just we all have our moments, and I have mine. I do have those moments of "why did I do that" and it usually revolves around the 3 people 6 and under that live here. And it's usually b/c I am repeating myself for the millionth time or I just don't want to be called "mom" one more time or I am saying "please listen" And no, I am not complaining, I wouldn't trade it for anything or imagine anyone else here to witness all the lil moments. And not just the big one, not that I want to miss those but it's the lil ones like going down the road & listening to the kids sing or make up stories or play eye spy.
So perception! It's it really how we perceive others, how others perceive us, or how we perceive ourselves. I guess it's a little bit of all of it. And in a way, if we live life worrying about what is or is not perceived then that's just no way to live. This past Sunday, during the Sermon, Pastor Steve was giving a Sermon on Eli & Samuel & focusing on Eli and how his time was coming to an end, and how that must have felt to know that he was being relieved of his duties. And one statement really stood out that said "at some point we will all have to relinquish to the view of our former self and move on" That is just so on the money! We do, we all look back and see how we used to be, who we used to be, what do we want to become! I do that all the time, I can look in the mirror and see my former self and this routes us back to my opening paragraph, looking in the mirror and seeing what we see and then seeing what we think others see. I can see how life would be if things were different, if I wasn't living the life I lead now, but part of me can't imagine it b/c it's all that I have known for so long. And when I have those flashes, it doesn't make me want that or want to go see if the grass is greener on the other side. I am happy in my life. I love my kids, my husband, my house, my yard, dogs..you name it..it's all good. I love knowing this is my life. And this is where I am supposed to be right now. For I know there's a plan and while I might not know it, I can follow what I feel is my path and listen for the whispers from the only one that does know. I know as adults, we all too often can get consumed by our own intoxication which is why we sometimes choose to tell God "not now" or "come back later" but it doesn't really work that way, now does it? We might get away with it but it doesn't lead us anywhere. So in the middle of thinking about "perception" and life and everyday tasks, I am once again realizing I am just along for the ride. I choose to stay on my path, to do the best that I can, accept my faults, know I can leave the house w/o makeup and my world won't fall apart (trust me, it took a long time for me to actually go out w/o makeup on..so it is important), that I can fail and be picked right back up. I know that I am not perfect nor will I ever be or am I expected to be. I butt heads with my kids and while each day gets better there are days I give into the gauntlet being thrown. I know what is perceived is not always reality. And I also know, I am not alone! I have the love of 3 wonderful kids, a great husband, friends, family and a Church that I know all support me. So I know I will continue to think the way I do, and be who I am, that's just gonna have to do. Come along with me and we can laugh, cry and love in this roller coaster ride of life!
The word perception also kept creeping in, in almost all of my daily life. Like going to the store or driving down the street and wondering what's going on in other peoples lives. You just never know what's happening in someone else's life or day but we all look at others & try to guess or even pass judgement, etc. So while we don't know what is going on in their life, then why do we, me, look at them & perceive something that may or may not be true. I am sure on some days I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. I know there are times where I look like I've been through the ringer & very well could be sternly talking to my children, so what if someone is looking at me, like who let that lady have kids..b/c I have looked at others that way, but not in a way of way of oh wow she's a bad mom but more of can I save the kids, or man I just want to give them a hug. Isn't that sad? I might not be stating it the wrong way but anytime I see a lil one that I deem needs saving, I just want to hug them or just pick them up & get them a cookie. But why, they could totally have a great life, but in the event they don't I'd love to scoop them up. Perception!
And while listening to 106.9, I just love that station. I am not not big on stations that talk a lot or read, I just don't get listening to someone read a book to me over the radio, I don't even like commercials, I just think they should play music. Well, on 106.9, they have set times they preach and they are good. I was listening to a sermon about how we can become consumed by our own intoxication. So true, right? It was just talking about once that happens then God cannot work through us, b/c we have turned away from him. It's true, b/c if we're so consumed with our own stuff then how can we focus on what matters? The answer is we can't. I guess it kind of deviates from "perception" but in actuality it doesn't. Because it brings me to think of how we can get so consumed in our own intoxication, and a lot of that stems from what we want others to perceive. Or mainly how we want others to perceive us. I mean do you really need to know everything, or as laid back as I may be, I can lose it with the best of them. Probably not, but I don't think that's really about me not wanting you to perceive me in a certain way, it's just we all have our moments, and I have mine. I do have those moments of "why did I do that" and it usually revolves around the 3 people 6 and under that live here. And it's usually b/c I am repeating myself for the millionth time or I just don't want to be called "mom" one more time or I am saying "please listen" And no, I am not complaining, I wouldn't trade it for anything or imagine anyone else here to witness all the lil moments. And not just the big one, not that I want to miss those but it's the lil ones like going down the road & listening to the kids sing or make up stories or play eye spy.
So perception! It's it really how we perceive others, how others perceive us, or how we perceive ourselves. I guess it's a little bit of all of it. And in a way, if we live life worrying about what is or is not perceived then that's just no way to live. This past Sunday, during the Sermon, Pastor Steve was giving a Sermon on Eli & Samuel & focusing on Eli and how his time was coming to an end, and how that must have felt to know that he was being relieved of his duties. And one statement really stood out that said "at some point we will all have to relinquish to the view of our former self and move on" That is just so on the money! We do, we all look back and see how we used to be, who we used to be, what do we want to become! I do that all the time, I can look in the mirror and see my former self and this routes us back to my opening paragraph, looking in the mirror and seeing what we see and then seeing what we think others see. I can see how life would be if things were different, if I wasn't living the life I lead now, but part of me can't imagine it b/c it's all that I have known for so long. And when I have those flashes, it doesn't make me want that or want to go see if the grass is greener on the other side. I am happy in my life. I love my kids, my husband, my house, my yard, dogs..you name it..it's all good. I love knowing this is my life. And this is where I am supposed to be right now. For I know there's a plan and while I might not know it, I can follow what I feel is my path and listen for the whispers from the only one that does know. I know as adults, we all too often can get consumed by our own intoxication which is why we sometimes choose to tell God "not now" or "come back later" but it doesn't really work that way, now does it? We might get away with it but it doesn't lead us anywhere. So in the middle of thinking about "perception" and life and everyday tasks, I am once again realizing I am just along for the ride. I choose to stay on my path, to do the best that I can, accept my faults, know I can leave the house w/o makeup and my world won't fall apart (trust me, it took a long time for me to actually go out w/o makeup on..so it is important), that I can fail and be picked right back up. I know that I am not perfect nor will I ever be or am I expected to be. I butt heads with my kids and while each day gets better there are days I give into the gauntlet being thrown. I know what is perceived is not always reality. And I also know, I am not alone! I have the love of 3 wonderful kids, a great husband, friends, family and a Church that I know all support me. So I know I will continue to think the way I do, and be who I am, that's just gonna have to do. Come along with me and we can laugh, cry and love in this roller coaster ride of life!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Ammo Just Arrived
"Ammo Just Arrived" is posted on a sign for a hardware store that I pass while taking Harrison to school. It really struck me as an odd thing to put on a sign. As Big Harrison would say "I am not their target market" being the advertising aficionado that he is, which is so true, I am not. But really is that the "bait" to get people in the door. I guess it is, it's just not gonna get me in the door. But in another aspect that sign if perhaps on a billboard it could be interpreted to mean so many things, I mean, "Ammo Just Arrived." It could mean, I am ready, watch out. It's a possibility right? Not to give too much attention to something that is really not that important, I just found it funny & thought provoking.
Kind of like this past Sunday, during the Sermon, our minister quoted the 23rd Psalm "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" and my brain split into two thoughts..yes, I am talented like that..it's a fun trait that I possess, it truly makes having a conversation with me exciting! So my two thoughts went to, the 1st time I remember hearing this Psalm which was at my grandmother's funeral, my dad's mom. A popular one for funerals yes, but it always stuck with me. Then my other thought went to the mid-90's movie "Dangerous Minds" b/c the theme song from that movie "Gangsta's Paradise" also uses that same verse from Psalm 23. And then my thoughts went to my funeral, more a celebration of life, and in my flash of my funeral that song was playing..very strange I know but that's just how my brain works. I don't really think I'd want to use that song when my time has come but I guess there are worse choices.
This past week was the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Several news programs featured the aftermath on their shows. It's kind of sad that that area on gets attention on the anniversary & I know that so much has been done but it'll never been enough. We some how dropped the ball when Katrina 1st hit. I mean, in our own country to help our own people we dropped the ball. I remember when the Hurricane 1st hit & people were packing up to head to that region, I would have loved to have gone. But part of me was scared b/c of all of the "unknowns" that were being scattered on the news but it still was a pull to go. I did end up going to Mississippi the following Summer with the Youth at our Church for a Mission Trip. Even almost 1 yr later, it was like time stood still. It was insane. Everyone needed help & it was still unorganized at to who got the help, how they got it, and so on. The organization that we were working with was on their game but they had to work with the barriers of getting the help for the people that needed it. And the magnitude of what had happened & what everyone went through was so hard to comprehend. It's just something I have never witnessed or experienced before. We stood on cement slabs where houses once were, we saw dishes scattered & broken, cars washed up on the side of the road, churches with out walls, piers completely gone, roads broken into sections as if a huge jackhammer had stomped on them. We saw tons of fema houses, which I went into one & just couldn't imagine making that my home. I know if I had too, I would but they were so small & I just couldn't imagine living in something that felt like the size of my car but with a single burner for cooking in it. I am so grateful for the chance to go there & will never be able to remove the feeling or things I saw there nor would I want too, I only wish I had the means to do more.
Now the rest of my thoughts seem mundane compared to that. But I guess that's ok? There's not much else going on in my thoughts right now. I did my usual routine of taking kids to school and then to the gym today. I didn't go yesterday because I had some errands to do & I knew I couldn't fit in going to the gym, errands & getting Harrison by noon. So I didn't go, which made me wonder how this morning was going to work & if I was going to be able to fit it in. But I did, I took him to school then Benjamin & I headed to the gym. I was finished in enough time to even shower & plant two mums I bought yesterday before I had to leave to get Harrison. I felt pretty good about getting it all in. I just never know how much Benjamin is going to allow me to do, but for the most part he just goes with whatever I need to do. It's a nice thing!
So now instead of folding the clothes that I just dumped on my bed I am blogging. Using my time wisely, I know. Plus my dog, Ty, has taken up residence in the middle of the pile of clothes, so I wouldn't want to disturb him, maybe when he wakes up I will tackle the clothes. Lil Harrison is pretending to make muffins in his room & while I have been typing he has brought me a strawberry one, a mixed fruit one & a banana one. He said his "Anna" which is his pretend sister, showed him how to mix them & where to get the mix form. Abbie has a pretend sister named "Anna" too so that's how Harrison's started but they are two totally different Anna's & they live in different places & do different things. It's kind of cute. I guess one day it will be inevitable that Benjamin will have an "Anna" too. Maybe when they all grow up they'll all live together with their "Anna's". At least that's what Abbie & Harrison talk about. More of living next to each other in a their own apartments in NYC. They have a fascination with New York b/c of their Aunt Jane. She lives in the city & that's where they both, particularly Abbie wants to live. She asked me one day if NYC had a lot of stores, to which I said "yes" and then she asked do they have a lot of stores with make-up, again I said "yes" she followed that with, "I am definitely going to live there" This from my child that is super picky about her clothes & doesn't like the fancy ones (thank goodness) but she wants to go live in a place known for fashion. Maybe her pickyness will transpire into a future career for having a special eye for all the latest trends. Who knows, right? Although I know that if I ask her if she'd want to work in fashion or with make-up when she grows up, she'll tell you no b/c she's going to be a cowgirl so she can ride horses all the time. She loves horses. She had wanted to be a firefighter until she found out you have to sleep at the fire station & wear a uniform. She's not all about sleeping away from home or not wearing her own "comfy clothes" She's a character, I tell ya! But as my mom likes to tell me "she gets it honestly" and I know she does, b/c it's like looking in a mirror sometimes when I watch her. In a way it's like that with all 3. They are a good mix & as Benjamin gets older I'll see more of it but I can totally see it in Abbie & Harrison.
Well, I am going to have some down time with the remaining 30 mins I have before I load the kids up to go get Abbie. I just doesn't seem like enough time. Especially when I have had a 3 yr old talking my ear off for most of this post. All about his muffins. It's too cute so I just have to listen, especially when he said he made more & wanted to share with me. He just has a heart of gold! He & Abbie totally love helping me make meals for others & that's what he's doing, making muffins to help his "Anna" feel better b/c she's sick. Now just remind me of this when he's pitching a fit later today.
All for now, I am off! Hope you have a wonderful day!
Kind of like this past Sunday, during the Sermon, our minister quoted the 23rd Psalm "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" and my brain split into two thoughts..yes, I am talented like that..it's a fun trait that I possess, it truly makes having a conversation with me exciting! So my two thoughts went to, the 1st time I remember hearing this Psalm which was at my grandmother's funeral, my dad's mom. A popular one for funerals yes, but it always stuck with me. Then my other thought went to the mid-90's movie "Dangerous Minds" b/c the theme song from that movie "Gangsta's Paradise" also uses that same verse from Psalm 23. And then my thoughts went to my funeral, more a celebration of life, and in my flash of my funeral that song was playing..very strange I know but that's just how my brain works. I don't really think I'd want to use that song when my time has come but I guess there are worse choices.
This past week was the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Several news programs featured the aftermath on their shows. It's kind of sad that that area on gets attention on the anniversary & I know that so much has been done but it'll never been enough. We some how dropped the ball when Katrina 1st hit. I mean, in our own country to help our own people we dropped the ball. I remember when the Hurricane 1st hit & people were packing up to head to that region, I would have loved to have gone. But part of me was scared b/c of all of the "unknowns" that were being scattered on the news but it still was a pull to go. I did end up going to Mississippi the following Summer with the Youth at our Church for a Mission Trip. Even almost 1 yr later, it was like time stood still. It was insane. Everyone needed help & it was still unorganized at to who got the help, how they got it, and so on. The organization that we were working with was on their game but they had to work with the barriers of getting the help for the people that needed it. And the magnitude of what had happened & what everyone went through was so hard to comprehend. It's just something I have never witnessed or experienced before. We stood on cement slabs where houses once were, we saw dishes scattered & broken, cars washed up on the side of the road, churches with out walls, piers completely gone, roads broken into sections as if a huge jackhammer had stomped on them. We saw tons of fema houses, which I went into one & just couldn't imagine making that my home. I know if I had too, I would but they were so small & I just couldn't imagine living in something that felt like the size of my car but with a single burner for cooking in it. I am so grateful for the chance to go there & will never be able to remove the feeling or things I saw there nor would I want too, I only wish I had the means to do more.
Now the rest of my thoughts seem mundane compared to that. But I guess that's ok? There's not much else going on in my thoughts right now. I did my usual routine of taking kids to school and then to the gym today. I didn't go yesterday because I had some errands to do & I knew I couldn't fit in going to the gym, errands & getting Harrison by noon. So I didn't go, which made me wonder how this morning was going to work & if I was going to be able to fit it in. But I did, I took him to school then Benjamin & I headed to the gym. I was finished in enough time to even shower & plant two mums I bought yesterday before I had to leave to get Harrison. I felt pretty good about getting it all in. I just never know how much Benjamin is going to allow me to do, but for the most part he just goes with whatever I need to do. It's a nice thing!
So now instead of folding the clothes that I just dumped on my bed I am blogging. Using my time wisely, I know. Plus my dog, Ty, has taken up residence in the middle of the pile of clothes, so I wouldn't want to disturb him, maybe when he wakes up I will tackle the clothes. Lil Harrison is pretending to make muffins in his room & while I have been typing he has brought me a strawberry one, a mixed fruit one & a banana one. He said his "Anna" which is his pretend sister, showed him how to mix them & where to get the mix form. Abbie has a pretend sister named "Anna" too so that's how Harrison's started but they are two totally different Anna's & they live in different places & do different things. It's kind of cute. I guess one day it will be inevitable that Benjamin will have an "Anna" too. Maybe when they all grow up they'll all live together with their "Anna's". At least that's what Abbie & Harrison talk about. More of living next to each other in a their own apartments in NYC. They have a fascination with New York b/c of their Aunt Jane. She lives in the city & that's where they both, particularly Abbie wants to live. She asked me one day if NYC had a lot of stores, to which I said "yes" and then she asked do they have a lot of stores with make-up, again I said "yes" she followed that with, "I am definitely going to live there" This from my child that is super picky about her clothes & doesn't like the fancy ones (thank goodness) but she wants to go live in a place known for fashion. Maybe her pickyness will transpire into a future career for having a special eye for all the latest trends. Who knows, right? Although I know that if I ask her if she'd want to work in fashion or with make-up when she grows up, she'll tell you no b/c she's going to be a cowgirl so she can ride horses all the time. She loves horses. She had wanted to be a firefighter until she found out you have to sleep at the fire station & wear a uniform. She's not all about sleeping away from home or not wearing her own "comfy clothes" She's a character, I tell ya! But as my mom likes to tell me "she gets it honestly" and I know she does, b/c it's like looking in a mirror sometimes when I watch her. In a way it's like that with all 3. They are a good mix & as Benjamin gets older I'll see more of it but I can totally see it in Abbie & Harrison.
Well, I am going to have some down time with the remaining 30 mins I have before I load the kids up to go get Abbie. I just doesn't seem like enough time. Especially when I have had a 3 yr old talking my ear off for most of this post. All about his muffins. It's too cute so I just have to listen, especially when he said he made more & wanted to share with me. He just has a heart of gold! He & Abbie totally love helping me make meals for others & that's what he's doing, making muffins to help his "Anna" feel better b/c she's sick. Now just remind me of this when he's pitching a fit later today.
All for now, I am off! Hope you have a wonderful day!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A New Day
I am sitting on our porch watching the kids play and it's just the best thing ever. They are happy & so am I, what more can you ask for. Dinner is in the oven & all is well. Not all moments in our day are this way, we have lots of crazy moments where I feel like I could just crawl into bed and never come out but I really try not to feel this "defeated' feeling that often b/c I find when I do, "they" take over & chaos in sues..so I remain calm, keep them busy & try not to pull my hair out. Ever have those moments? I know I am not alone.
Other than school & the gym, there's nothing new in my life. I did take the boy's to a Volunteer Orientation this morning at Bethel, it didn't go so hot, so I ended up leaving & emailing the super nice Volunteer VP & apologizing for leaving but as a mom, she totally understood & I have another Orientation for Room Mom's so she said I'd get it all then, I will make sure the boys are not with me. I am looking forward to taking on some new tasks at Abbie's school, you know how I like to be involved. Once we left, Harrison had a meltdown b/c he wanted to go to my mom's house and didn't want to go to the gym & I almost gave in but I knew that if I took him there & didn't go straight to the gym I wouldn't get a number for the spin class. Plus, I don't like him just thinking he has an out, so I stood my ground & took him to the gym, despite the fact he was crying & they had to leave him in the sign-in area so he could calm down. He was totally fine, it was more of he woke up early so he was tired. As soon as I picked him up he told me how much he had fun & enjoyed going to the gym. It's all an act. But anyways, we went on about our day & they were fine. Abbie had another great day at school. She loves that she gets stars & green squares for good behavior..makes me wonder if I should start something like that. But she'd probably just want the school ones.
I guess outside of my daily routine with the kids there is my "other" life, at church and with my mom's group. At Church we just hired a new Interim Pastor and things have slowed down a good bit now that we're not interviewing but it's just the start and now we begin the process of what's next. It's going to be an exciting time for us. I am looking forward to seeing what is to come & to see what will develop. And for my mom's group, we're just plugging along and in a lot of ways I feel the same way about Church that I do about the group, I am looking forward to seeing what will develop and what is to come. I do need some fresh blood to join the org team so we can also move into that next phase. It's kind of funny that my Church life and my Mom's group are so intertwined, I mean I started my life on Session at the same time I became Organizer of the Mom's group. But I guess that's life in general, it's all connected. And in a lot of ways that I am looking forward to what's next with these, I look forward to that for my life. The more I become involved with & as each day passes I try to figure out what my place in this world is. I know I was destined to be a mom, but what else does God have in store for me? Everything I have ever done outside of the work force has always been wonderful, I just somehow need to figure out how to mesh the two. Not that I am looking to go to work but honestly if I could figure out a way to do all of the things I love doing and get paid, wouldn't that be amazing! Someday, I will know where this journey is taking me but for now I am along for the ride.
I think I have entered a rambling state, so I am signing off now. Btw this blog is dedicated to Susan Carlson! :)
Other than school & the gym, there's nothing new in my life. I did take the boy's to a Volunteer Orientation this morning at Bethel, it didn't go so hot, so I ended up leaving & emailing the super nice Volunteer VP & apologizing for leaving but as a mom, she totally understood & I have another Orientation for Room Mom's so she said I'd get it all then, I will make sure the boys are not with me. I am looking forward to taking on some new tasks at Abbie's school, you know how I like to be involved. Once we left, Harrison had a meltdown b/c he wanted to go to my mom's house and didn't want to go to the gym & I almost gave in but I knew that if I took him there & didn't go straight to the gym I wouldn't get a number for the spin class. Plus, I don't like him just thinking he has an out, so I stood my ground & took him to the gym, despite the fact he was crying & they had to leave him in the sign-in area so he could calm down. He was totally fine, it was more of he woke up early so he was tired. As soon as I picked him up he told me how much he had fun & enjoyed going to the gym. It's all an act. But anyways, we went on about our day & they were fine. Abbie had another great day at school. She loves that she gets stars & green squares for good behavior..makes me wonder if I should start something like that. But she'd probably just want the school ones.
I guess outside of my daily routine with the kids there is my "other" life, at church and with my mom's group. At Church we just hired a new Interim Pastor and things have slowed down a good bit now that we're not interviewing but it's just the start and now we begin the process of what's next. It's going to be an exciting time for us. I am looking forward to seeing what is to come & to see what will develop. And for my mom's group, we're just plugging along and in a lot of ways I feel the same way about Church that I do about the group, I am looking forward to seeing what will develop and what is to come. I do need some fresh blood to join the org team so we can also move into that next phase. It's kind of funny that my Church life and my Mom's group are so intertwined, I mean I started my life on Session at the same time I became Organizer of the Mom's group. But I guess that's life in general, it's all connected. And in a lot of ways that I am looking forward to what's next with these, I look forward to that for my life. The more I become involved with & as each day passes I try to figure out what my place in this world is. I know I was destined to be a mom, but what else does God have in store for me? Everything I have ever done outside of the work force has always been wonderful, I just somehow need to figure out how to mesh the two. Not that I am looking to go to work but honestly if I could figure out a way to do all of the things I love doing and get paid, wouldn't that be amazing! Someday, I will know where this journey is taking me but for now I am along for the ride.
I think I have entered a rambling state, so I am signing off now. Btw this blog is dedicated to Susan Carlson! :)
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